Today, November 19, 2015 is World Toilet Day. Had the British Rock Band 'Queen' released their 1982 hit 'Under Pressure' earlier, it would have been the right background score for the situation I underwent many years ago, which I am going to narrate in this sordid story dedicated to this day. Even a scene from the film 'Delhi Belly' would've described my agony more effectively. This may happen to anyone in life, but I have all the pride in narrating the true story, end of which may surprise you!
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"Try Chicken with Cashewnut and Veg. It is good." said the lady who owned Shang Hai Restaurant in Shivarampet, Mysore.
I was there for having my dinner sometime in the summer of 1980. Returning by the passenger train from Chamarajanagar, I had reached the restaurant from the main railway station by walk, since that was closer than Chamarajapuram station, the regular one near my room.
After 15 minutes, the restaurant filled with the aroma of chicken chow mein and chicken with cashewnut and veg. It was a huge portion they served for very reasonable rates those days, sufficient for two persons with a good appetite. Being ventripotent myself, I used to garnish the noodle and the main course with lots of red chilli sauce and chilli vinegar, gobble up all that alone, and have a pot of Chinese green tea after the meal!
I did just that, paid the bill which came to much under Rs.10/-, and walked out. The time was almost 9:45PM and the shortcut path through Maharaja's College towards Mysore University was virtually deserted. That was my regular route when I walked all the way from city to Saraswathipuram 3rd Main, where I stayed in a small room, shared with a bank friend Mohan Reddy. There were in total 3 rooms and a common bath and a common toilet for the 6 of us in that building.
By the time I walked past Maharani's College Hostel, entered the compound of Maharaja's College, I had belched at least 8 times. The Chinese dinner was so sumptuous, I had a satisfactory tummy full! In another 3 minutes I reached DC Office. There I felt sudden earthquake like feeling within my digestive system!
I stopped for a while, thought I will release some gas and the tremours will subside. I also tried to release the gas in a controlled manner, all the time trying to warn my bowels to behave!
I could not succeed much because the pressure that was building inside was dangerously heavy and the release of gas might have led to a total blast and anointing of of my trousers and under garment. I tried to control my emotions and sat on the steps of DC Office for a while. Future seemed very bleak, without much hopes to survive the calamities that might happen anytime. All in all, it started to seem like a terribly gloomy evening for me.
At that moment, I had to decide within the following three:
1. Try and find a public toilet where there were none within a distance of 2-3 Kms.
2. Find a bush and squat behind it, relieve myself without any passerby watching me.
3. Run fast towards my room and dash into the toilet.
Option no.1 was not practical, as the nearest public toilets were at the KSRTC bus stand and main railway station, both in a distance of almost 2 Kms from there. My room was also equidistant from there. Option no.2 was slightly difficult to exercise, for the fear of making the college campus dirty. Though I could convince myself that I was contributing to the vegetation with natural human manure, the apprehension of not being able to clean myself after the release of that manure, made me blank!
So I decided to choose the last option, to walk fast or run towards my room. That seemed the only decent way out.
I got up, stood and watched all around. Not a soul in sight. I sighed in relief, and started running fast towards Saraswathipuram. As I reached the University grounds, I felt something like a volcano erupting inside me and I started to sweat profusely, my limbs started trembling and I felt dehydrated. I realised that I was suffering a bad case of diarrhoea, dysentery, amoebiasis or food poisoning. Any one of the four or all, because of the bad food and water that I used to consume in Chamarajanagar restaurants. During the daily train journeys that took over 2 and half hours each side, we had the toilets, though at times the toilets didn't have a drop of water. Even in our bank we had a toilet with acute water shortage. Because of that I often controlled pressure within my system and managed to relieve myself at the end of the day after returning to my room.
That day was also one such day, when we didn't have water in the bank toilet as well as in our train compartment. Well, it was not the time for me to indulge in reasoning, but to find a quick way out to get out of agony and embarrassment!
Suddenly I got an idea. I had tried it before in total isolation, when nobody had watched me, but 'hop stomp jump' dancing did wonders and had stopped such outbursts of bowel pressure in the past for me! So I started to dance in a weird manner, hopping hither and thither like a bunny rabbit with both my legs parallel to each other and my hands cupping my backside! I had to do all that I had not done in public before, not even on stage or school skits. Extremely embarrassing situation, especially when someone suddenly stops you and asks "What's happening!"
Yes. Someone suddenly patted on my shoulder, smiled like a dolphin and asked in Kannada, "Saar what is going on?"
I managed a faint smile which seemed more like a cry but in the shadow of the giant trees near the fence of the ground, he might not have noticed that expression. I said "I am practicing for a new skit called 'Rabbit and Tortoise' that I am directing, and I don't have enough space in my room to hop and dance around like a rabbit. I am doing the role of rabbit in the skit."
He seemed to get convinced, but he gave me a piece of advice, "Saar you are doing wonderful, but please don't dance so vigorously. Your facial expressions may not be clearly visible even with bright stage lights. Do it slowly saar. Rabbits in real life also don't hop and dance so fast. I will show you how to do it!"
He showed me some movements that looked more like a tadpole jumping out of water. There was this peculiar expression on his face that irritated me. Besides, I was not in a mood to get audition or choreography practice at that moment of time, when the earth was sinking fast below my feet!
I felt as if my hands were itching to cup his neck wearing that irritating outdated bulldog collar with button fastened, and squeeze it, if possible break the neck, detach his dolphin like head and hand it over to him saying, "Take care of this precious extra fitting, keep it safe in a bank locker, and don't go around using it, or wearing it much. It is very valuable".
Luckily or unluckily, I was not able to do that, as I felt one more pang of commotion within my bowels, and I hurriedly stepped towards my room without even saying bye to the stranger.
I don't know at what speed I was travelling then, but I could see trees, street lights, railway level crossing, the gates, signal poles and things passing by at almost 60KMPH. I was dizzy because my eyes were moist by the tears oozing out of helplessness, and I considered myself as the most unfortunate downtrodden soul on earth at that moment!
Being a non believer, I was careful enough not to pray to any of the 33 Crore gods that were supposedly guardians of Hindu faith, or the other handful of them, which protected people from other faiths!
Suddenly I saw an array of street lights, and I realised that I had reached the corner of 'Kukkarahalli Kere', the lake that's a landmark between Saraswathipram and Manasa Gangotri, I was happy that I was almost near my room, and all's well. I also found out that my pants were still dry. The pressure also had subsided considerably, probably because I was used to it by then. It was almost 40 minutes past, since I had the dinner with chicken chow mein and chicken cashewnut veg. I hurried and reached the building where our room was on the first floor, ran up the stairs and made a dash to the toilet.
The tin sheet door was latched from inside, and someone was happily humming a Rajkumar film song in a hoarse voice, sounding like a buffalo that had starved for months! I felt miserable and told myself, "All that adventure, that tension, that pressure, that agony I went through, was to see this?"
I was furious. When I am furious, I don't care who is at the receiving end. I banged on the tin sheet door, kicked the door with my left foot and shouted "Who the hell is planted there inside! Come out immediately, you...... son of a.......!" I could not talk further. The world was becoming dark and I was almost fainting!
Then a ray of hope started appearing in the sky far far away! I heard the sound of water splashing and the mug hitting the floor. I also heard a feeble voice telling me in Kannada 'I am through saar. Don't shout. I am coming out immediately!".
It was Doddasidhaiah's roommate Mahadevappa. He didn't waste time, came out and said with a flash of smile, "It's all yours Maharaja. Sit on the throne, start your durbar and prosper!"
Next 10 minutes were spent in sheer ecstasy, birds chirping, angels playing sweet music, tears of joy rolling down the cheeks, the sounds of thunder lightening and hailstorm subsiding, and my whole body becoming relieved of the tremours, cramps and shivers, total relaxation, in simple worlds, pure bliss!
Had that happened in recent times, I'd have shouted "All is well......!"
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 |
| Map of Mysore(Source: Google Maps). The red line marked shows the path of my journey from Shivarampet to Saraswathipuram |
I was there for having my dinner sometime in the summer of 1980. Returning by the passenger train from Chamarajanagar, I had reached the restaurant from the main railway station by walk, since that was closer than Chamarajapuram station, the regular one near my room.
After 15 minutes, the restaurant filled with the aroma of chicken chow mein and chicken with cashewnut and veg. It was a huge portion they served for very reasonable rates those days, sufficient for two persons with a good appetite. Being ventripotent myself, I used to garnish the noodle and the main course with lots of red chilli sauce and chilli vinegar, gobble up all that alone, and have a pot of Chinese green tea after the meal!
I did just that, paid the bill which came to much under Rs.10/-, and walked out. The time was almost 9:45PM and the shortcut path through Maharaja's College towards Mysore University was virtually deserted. That was my regular route when I walked all the way from city to Saraswathipuram 3rd Main, where I stayed in a small room, shared with a bank friend Mohan Reddy. There were in total 3 rooms and a common bath and a common toilet for the 6 of us in that building.
By the time I walked past Maharani's College Hostel, entered the compound of Maharaja's College, I had belched at least 8 times. The Chinese dinner was so sumptuous, I had a satisfactory tummy full! In another 3 minutes I reached DC Office. There I felt sudden earthquake like feeling within my digestive system!
I stopped for a while, thought I will release some gas and the tremours will subside. I also tried to release the gas in a controlled manner, all the time trying to warn my bowels to behave!
I could not succeed much because the pressure that was building inside was dangerously heavy and the release of gas might have led to a total blast and anointing of of my trousers and under garment. I tried to control my emotions and sat on the steps of DC Office for a while. Future seemed very bleak, without much hopes to survive the calamities that might happen anytime. All in all, it started to seem like a terribly gloomy evening for me.
At that moment, I had to decide within the following three:
1. Try and find a public toilet where there were none within a distance of 2-3 Kms.
2. Find a bush and squat behind it, relieve myself without any passerby watching me.
3. Run fast towards my room and dash into the toilet.
Option no.1 was not practical, as the nearest public toilets were at the KSRTC bus stand and main railway station, both in a distance of almost 2 Kms from there. My room was also equidistant from there. Option no.2 was slightly difficult to exercise, for the fear of making the college campus dirty. Though I could convince myself that I was contributing to the vegetation with natural human manure, the apprehension of not being able to clean myself after the release of that manure, made me blank!
So I decided to choose the last option, to walk fast or run towards my room. That seemed the only decent way out.
I got up, stood and watched all around. Not a soul in sight. I sighed in relief, and started running fast towards Saraswathipuram. As I reached the University grounds, I felt something like a volcano erupting inside me and I started to sweat profusely, my limbs started trembling and I felt dehydrated. I realised that I was suffering a bad case of diarrhoea, dysentery, amoebiasis or food poisoning. Any one of the four or all, because of the bad food and water that I used to consume in Chamarajanagar restaurants. During the daily train journeys that took over 2 and half hours each side, we had the toilets, though at times the toilets didn't have a drop of water. Even in our bank we had a toilet with acute water shortage. Because of that I often controlled pressure within my system and managed to relieve myself at the end of the day after returning to my room.
That day was also one such day, when we didn't have water in the bank toilet as well as in our train compartment. Well, it was not the time for me to indulge in reasoning, but to find a quick way out to get out of agony and embarrassment!
Suddenly I got an idea. I had tried it before in total isolation, when nobody had watched me, but 'hop stomp jump' dancing did wonders and had stopped such outbursts of bowel pressure in the past for me! So I started to dance in a weird manner, hopping hither and thither like a bunny rabbit with both my legs parallel to each other and my hands cupping my backside! I had to do all that I had not done in public before, not even on stage or school skits. Extremely embarrassing situation, especially when someone suddenly stops you and asks "What's happening!"
Yes. Someone suddenly patted on my shoulder, smiled like a dolphin and asked in Kannada, "Saar what is going on?"
I managed a faint smile which seemed more like a cry but in the shadow of the giant trees near the fence of the ground, he might not have noticed that expression. I said "I am practicing for a new skit called 'Rabbit and Tortoise' that I am directing, and I don't have enough space in my room to hop and dance around like a rabbit. I am doing the role of rabbit in the skit."
He seemed to get convinced, but he gave me a piece of advice, "Saar you are doing wonderful, but please don't dance so vigorously. Your facial expressions may not be clearly visible even with bright stage lights. Do it slowly saar. Rabbits in real life also don't hop and dance so fast. I will show you how to do it!"
He showed me some movements that looked more like a tadpole jumping out of water. There was this peculiar expression on his face that irritated me. Besides, I was not in a mood to get audition or choreography practice at that moment of time, when the earth was sinking fast below my feet!
I felt as if my hands were itching to cup his neck wearing that irritating outdated bulldog collar with button fastened, and squeeze it, if possible break the neck, detach his dolphin like head and hand it over to him saying, "Take care of this precious extra fitting, keep it safe in a bank locker, and don't go around using it, or wearing it much. It is very valuable".
Luckily or unluckily, I was not able to do that, as I felt one more pang of commotion within my bowels, and I hurriedly stepped towards my room without even saying bye to the stranger.
I don't know at what speed I was travelling then, but I could see trees, street lights, railway level crossing, the gates, signal poles and things passing by at almost 60KMPH. I was dizzy because my eyes were moist by the tears oozing out of helplessness, and I considered myself as the most unfortunate downtrodden soul on earth at that moment!
Being a non believer, I was careful enough not to pray to any of the 33 Crore gods that were supposedly guardians of Hindu faith, or the other handful of them, which protected people from other faiths!
Suddenly I saw an array of street lights, and I realised that I had reached the corner of 'Kukkarahalli Kere', the lake that's a landmark between Saraswathipram and Manasa Gangotri, I was happy that I was almost near my room, and all's well. I also found out that my pants were still dry. The pressure also had subsided considerably, probably because I was used to it by then. It was almost 40 minutes past, since I had the dinner with chicken chow mein and chicken cashewnut veg. I hurried and reached the building where our room was on the first floor, ran up the stairs and made a dash to the toilet.
The tin sheet door was latched from inside, and someone was happily humming a Rajkumar film song in a hoarse voice, sounding like a buffalo that had starved for months! I felt miserable and told myself, "All that adventure, that tension, that pressure, that agony I went through, was to see this?"
I was furious. When I am furious, I don't care who is at the receiving end. I banged on the tin sheet door, kicked the door with my left foot and shouted "Who the hell is planted there inside! Come out immediately, you...... son of a.......!" I could not talk further. The world was becoming dark and I was almost fainting!
Then a ray of hope started appearing in the sky far far away! I heard the sound of water splashing and the mug hitting the floor. I also heard a feeble voice telling me in Kannada 'I am through saar. Don't shout. I am coming out immediately!".
It was Doddasidhaiah's roommate Mahadevappa. He didn't waste time, came out and said with a flash of smile, "It's all yours Maharaja. Sit on the throne, start your durbar and prosper!"
Next 10 minutes were spent in sheer ecstasy, birds chirping, angels playing sweet music, tears of joy rolling down the cheeks, the sounds of thunder lightening and hailstorm subsiding, and my whole body becoming relieved of the tremours, cramps and shivers, total relaxation, in simple worlds, pure bliss!
Had that happened in recent times, I'd have shouted "All is well......!"
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